I had one of the most intense experiences in my life this past week.
I thank God I went out of it in one piece.
I was basically paying a lot of effort to go against my heart.
My whole system was crashing under the weight of my heavy heart, I started to go through a mild depression, which was getting all the more serious, yet I persisted against all the symptoms… up until the point I felt a stab in my heart, and that’s when I stopped.
Yes, I was trying to morph myself into someone I wasn’t… or to be more particular; I was trying to convince myself of becoming part of a project… while my heart was screaming: NO.
My mind, on the other hand, was weaving illusions about how prestigious the project was, how brilliant I would look in that position, how it would feel great to take up a challenging account, etc.
I got caught in the middle!
I have had previous experience with going against my heart; I paid heavily. I thought I learned my lesson, but apparently I didn’t.
The heart knows the hidden things, it has eyes that see beyond the obvious. They say never judge a book by its cover, and I totally agree with that. Our mind sees the cover of the book, just the cover, and it decides: “hey, that’s a nice book, I want to buy it.” But the heart knows what’s inside the book, and can tell that what the cover professes has nothing to do with what is inside. It could well be a badly written novel.
The heart knows. The mind doesn’t.
After I decided to stop walking down the path that tore my heart to pieces, I slept for a very long time to create a clear slate between that experience and my new day. I was moving heavily under a gray cloud and when I decided to stop, I was already depleted.
After reading a few lines of Quran, repeating prayers to help me make the right decision, and a lot of sleep, I regained perspective.
What I didn’t quite catch while I was forging ahead with plans to complete the project is that the other side was tampering with the technical and financial agreement to the extent I may end up paying from my own pocket to finish the project. My heart was picking up on all the manipulation that I did not even consider existed because I was dealing with a blind attitude of trust. When I revisited the correspondence with a sober heart, I realized that had I went on with it, I would have gotten stuck in a hoax.
Thank Allah… we have a heart.